When asked to give my testimony, I would often start at the beginning. "When I was four years old, I prayed with my parents and asked Jesus into my heart...." [Okay technically I was 3, but it was right before my 4th birthday, so I just say 4 to make the story shorter].
This is true. One Sunday night in 1992, I asked my parents some questions about what I had heard that morning in church. We talked and I prayed to receive Christ. I distinctly remember walking back to my room and feeling different - lighter somehow, more joyful.
Yet after looking back on my life and pondering, I have come to believe that I was not "converted" or "regenerated" at that time. You see, I was homeschooled until 5th grade. Once I went to public school, I quickly fell away from what little faith I may have had. I really liked what the world had to offer way better than what I was seeing/getting at church.
Through junior high and high school, if someone asked me if I was religious, I would've have promptly replied, "Of course, I am a Christian." But had you looked closer and peered into my life and my heart, I was the furthest thing from what a Christian should look like, inside and out. It was not just that my actions did not match my religious declaration, the reality was that I did not find my identity in Christ. That concept was foreign to me. My god was me. I was completely independent and self-sufficient.
I have come to see that I was not saved when I prayed that prayer when I was 4. I was too young to fully understand what giving my life to Christ meant. I asked for Him but I did not fully comprehend what I was asking for.
However.
God did something in me that night when I was so young. I have not been able to define it yet, verbally or theologically. It is crystal clear as I look back on my life before truly following Christ that I was protected in ways beyond my understanding. I rebelled. I wallowed in my sin. I turned away from God consistently. The little voice inside me got quieter and quieter until I was only left with my own voice. What a scary place to be.....And yet. Despite all I did, I did not reap the full consequences of all my sin. There were times when I hung around people who were seriously dangerous individuals. I can think of times where I could have easily been killed, physically abused, sexually assaulted, or harmed in a myriad of ways. I can think of decisions I made that were purely based on greed, lust, selfishness, or laziness. And yet....none of that happened to me. I stand here today alive and well. I was never sexually abused or physically harmed despite the situations I put myself in. God was protecting me. His angels were around me even when I was shaking my fist at him in anger and disgust. I can't help but think that is connected to that night when I prayed with my parents. Somehow God received authority in my life. He took me under his wing and He watched over His rebellious daughter.
So when did I become a Christian for real for real?
Well, one night in January of 2008 [I think, it's a little fuzzy...], I came to realize something. I had just gone through yet another break up. But God took this failed relationship and used it to show me something very important. I really sucked at living/running/planning my life without Him. I looked back on the wreckage that had been my life -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually -- and realized I was not capable of living a successful life in any definition of the term without surrendering to Him. That night, 16 years later, I consciously placed my life in His hands and surrendered my will to His. I eagerly desired His hands to control my life.
Every January I am reminded of this decision. I fully understood what I was asking and committing to (though there have been many surprises in store since then) in pursuing a relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. That night I was saved, converted, justified, however you want to define it. I no longer found my identity in my own works or strength but in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I no longer worshiped myself but instead worshiped the Maker of Heaven and Earth.
My theology is still growing....I may redefine or shape my beliefs about this post as I go.
Thoughts?
Do you remember a specific time when you gave your life to Christ?
What was that experience like?
Have you changed your beliefs about conversion or salvation since then?
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| there is power - wonder working power - in the name of Jesus. |
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